Wild Heart

"who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?"- Esther 4:14

Not everything in life is simple and perfectly clear.  How many times have I begged for a sign only to realize that the quiet whisper of God was waiting for me to hear.

This week has been hard.  I have pondered myself as it pertains to if  I am who God wants me to be, the situations I am in if they are his plans, and if I am doing everything towards the glory of Him.  Like I've said before I want answers and I want plans.  I hate the unknown and the feeling of complacency.

I want true joy out of life.  Not the happiness that comes with new things or your favorite song, but the true joy God intended us to live through and have.

I have a wild heart.  I always have and probably always will.  I am searching and wanting to be pursued and am always chasing towards life, my future, and anything to grasp for significance.  I have moments of containment, but in that I only find myself ready for more. 

I heard a statement on the radio of how that in the time when we are pursuing relationships that we have to remember that our relationship with God is not beyond that concept.  We have to pursue, to exceed for him what we would do in a normal relationship.  Even though you can't cook God a meal or send him roses, we can write him love notes and praise Him for the great things he has done.  Show him that the greatest love to be pursued is within him.

So like the Book of Esther describes how, she had come to a royal position for such as time as this, I am praying and pursuing to grasp my royal position and live a life that worthy
.... to be a daughter of a king.

Fairy Tales do come true, but only when you know who the True King is.  

My day...

Today I woke up like any other day.  I washed my face, dressed, and put on my make-up and just savored in the quiet moments of getting ready for the day.  I like to take my time in the morning and really relish in the moments of not doing anything, cause I know once I step out that door... I'm in for a whirlwind of events!


I was able to go to my Tuesday class for the first time in awhile and while the subject of family business is not always the most interesting; I tried to pay close attention. I wandered down after class to a quiet sitting place to revamp my schedule and add and delete items I found new to me.. I live by my little planner.  


I had time to run to the bank, grab some lunch, workout, weight train one of my volleyball girls I coach, race back to school, grab dinner, and then head to some more school oriented meetings, and now I am back in my bed wondering what happened in the blur of my day.  I'm exhausted.  


I often wonder if I grew up too fast in the way that I never take time to have some random fun or truly enjoy the by myself moments.  I constantly race around looking for stuff to do because I've discovered my worst fear in life isn't pain, or death, or anything scary... but rather the feeling of feeling nothing at all or being numb.  


I feel numb at times and try to keep myself busy to avoid that feeling. I feel vulnerable to that and don't even like admitting it.  I don't want my life to be numb and mediocre, but i'm just waiting for life to pick up at times.... 


Just pondering if I shouldn't be living so in tune with my planner.... 

"A woman feels beautiful when she knows she is loved-"

Well the world has officially froze over and gone into complete panic mode, well at least in Albuquerque they have.  It's been nice taking a much needed break from school but that can only mean that there is going to be extreme chaos later down the road.  So I'm enjoying my peace and quiet while I have it.

Well I have officially uploaded film and video to start the track of being pursued by a professional team.  I don't really like downloading video files any more.  But it's over and now my future rests in the hands of a very capable creator.... God... (in case you didn't get the shout out.) I'm hoping to hold onto the moments of the next phase of my life because I believe there is going to be some extreme alone time, and anyone who knows me knows that I don't really like being away from the people I love that much.   It was quoted a woman feels beautiful when she knows she is loved, and I totally believe that I savor that feeling very much.  So that is going to be quite the challenge when it comes up.  But I have some very patient people in my life and they will bare with me.   But I need to branch out and live life a little bit and take some adventures that I can hold onto.  First step... move to a different country... that's easy enough.... blah! But I'm in desperate need for a change and ready for the change, so I think.

Well keep bundling up world, and happy 1yr and 5months to my boyfriend.  May we keep going strong. Love you....

till next time... love love love

Self Portrait

So I am in desperate need of practice to make my photography dreams come true.  I would love to have any subject of person to take some pictures of.  But for now while the world is shut down and just enjoying the snow day, some self portraits will just have to do!